Per today’s 30 Days of Self-Love post (which I didn’t read until just a few minutes ago) except sort of backwards:

Today I had no control over how many deliveries I was going to have. Turned out to be super easy, but I was a little worried.

I apparently had no control over my brain for a while, because I was told to do something and misunderstood the instructions. (And I think my face is still red.)

I did, however, have control of my tongue. Which is rare.

A woman came in with a little boy who had to have been her grandson, and let’s just say it was interesting parenting. I could have said something, but I didn’t.

I mentioned it after the fact to my coworker, but didn’t say anything to the lady at the time of her actions. Because that would’ve gotten me in trouble.

I’m getting better control over my comments, which is a good thing.

I try to control so many aspects of my life.

Even now, looking back on 22 months ago (Sunday), I wonder.

I was the one who nagged M to come with me to church.

She died while doing what she’d learned at church: helping and loving.

Lately I’ve been wondering if it was my fault.

And I have to tell myself that it wasn’t.

It wasn’t really anybody’s fault.

She didn’t have to come with me.

She didn’t have to go to that school.

She didn’t have to take her faith with her.

She didn’t have to pull over.

She had control of her emotions and responses when I nagged her. She could’ve said no.

What she had no control over were the actions of a frustrated young woman who had too many drinks and had no control over her judgement.

None of this was my FAULT.

But still I wonder.

What if I hadn’t made those choices?

What if I hadn’t ben placed in that particular room?

What if I hadn’t befriended and nagged M?

There’s no rule that says if I didn’t get put in that room, I wouldn’t have met her.

I might still have met her, befriended her, and considered her a best friend.

Either way, I probably wouldn’t have had any control over how she died.

I think what I want control of is the past.

I focus on the past and my mistakes way too much.

That’s something I’m trying to work on, trying to get better a controlling.

I’d love to know what the future holds, but I don’t think I try to control that as much as I try to control the past. I want the things in my past to be erased, but they’re part of what makes me who I am.

My mistakes do not define me, but they have helped shape me.

I need to give up control, stop trying to hog the driver’s seat, and definitely not be a back-seat driver.

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