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Okay, so it’s actually been a process over the last 20 years, but…

it’s been a lot more prevalent this last month or so.

Sure, I have two roommates (who are great when they’re not annoying each other) and a few friends.

But I’m still a bit of a loner.

I’ve met people, but it’s not like we sit together or go to lunch or hang out outside of classes. (Yet.)

I don’t sit with anyone I know at chapel; I find a spot by myself and plop my stuff down and take notes.

I don’t even hang out with L much, even though we live in the same general area.

We did go to church together this morning, which was all right.

I know I’m new and all of that, but… I don’t feel like I fit.

And I’m not sure I’ll ever get over that.

After a friend posted about some realizations, I decided I’d try to write out some of my thoughts.

——–

Do I fear rejection?

I have this weird almost-phobia that when I leave a room or an event, people are going to start talking about me.

Most of the time my brain thinks this talk is negative.

I’m not sure why.

I grew up in a good home.

I was loved.

I guess it didn’t necessarily always feel like it, but I was.

My parents weren’t the richest, and even now I can tell that they have trouble providing us with everything they think we need or want or deserve.

Sometimes I don’t go with them to things.

There are multiple reasons for this, the main one usually being that I don’t want to go because I’m not a fan of the event in some way. (Sports, for instance.)

But another reason (that I don’t always admit) is that I don’t want them to have to worry about paying for me to do things. They did enough of that on things that I gave up on when I was a kid. I was only in dance and gymnastics for a year each. Two years of piano lessons that I’ve totally forgotten. I took trumpet lessons for like two months and gave up.

I guess what I’m saying is, I feel guilty for making my parents pay for things that I didn’t stick with for very long, and I don’t want them to have to spend their money on me when there are other things that they could use that money for.

My mom pays for my clothes and stuff most of the time, because I rarely ask for new things. I always feel badly for “making” her pay (even though she’s doing it because she wants to) and try to either not get much or make sure I look for things that are pretty inexpensive. I look at certain price tags and sometimes cringe.

Anyway.

I don’t always feel like I fit.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt like the outsider.

Even in youth group, where you’re supposed to feel safe to be yourself, I always felt awkward and left out.

I would try to make points or whatever, and I’d feel like people were looking at me like I was insane. And I hate that. So I’ve learned to keep quiet most of the time.

My roommates have people over a lot, and I just listen to conversations or find something else to listen to.

I’ve met people in the last few weeks, but none that I’ve really hung out with outside of classes.

That’s how I’ve always been. In high school, when I’d hang out with people, even the girls I called my best friends, I felt awkward. I kept quiet in that circle too, even though we were supposed to be best friends and accept each other no matter what.

I didn’t hang out with very many people. Ever. Elementary school, high school… Nope.

I mean, I did, but… It’s hard to explain.

I had this group that I would get together with sometimes, a few of my best friends and a couple of their other friends, mostly. We would go to the one guy’s house and play games and watch movies. But even then I didn’t participate much.

It’s just how I am. I don’t get involved much. I prefer to watch and listen.

I’ve learned to analyze peoples’ expressions and vocals and figure out when I should shut up.

Non-verbals are powerful.

——–

That’s just some of it. A lot of ramblings.

I’ve written out at least one other prayer about some of this—guess I can share that too:

——–

Jesus,

I’m so sick of being ignored.

I’ve gotten used to it, but I’m tired of it.

Why?

Why am I invisible?

Why do people completely overlook everything (a lot of things) that I say & do?

Why, when I try to point things out, do people not pay any attention?

Or every time in the past that I’ve tried to make a point and been ignored?

WHY?

Does nothing I think matter?

Is that why I fear rejection?

Is that where my “social phobia” comes from? Years of being ignored & overlooked & feeling undervalued?

I’m so sick of it.

Please, someone notice.

Please, Papa, send someone who gets it.

Please let someone notice and appreciate and not ignore.

Please take away the fear of rejection and always being ignored and/or judged.

I want to feel important.

I want to feel like someone is listening & approves & agrees.

———

And then something from Friday’s chapel that I didn’t share:

Papa, it reminds me of losing [M].

Is this bringing back those feelings, or is it just my heart? I didn’t know [J]; is this feeling for his family because I know what it is to lose a loved one at a young age, so suddenly and unexpectedly?

Or is this realizations from being here for a few weeks?

Abba, I want that joy & peace & no fear in death or guilt in life.

I want that assurance.

I want to give my all to You.

(and a bit later)

If I am sad for his death, and I didn’t know him… why am I not like this for all the lives that are lost every day?

Do I just not think about it?

Does it not hit as close to home?

——–

I dunno. Just ramblings as of late.

I don’t feel like I fit.

I know it’s stupid, but the only person who’s added me on Facebook in the last month is my partner for my Media project.

And that made me happy.

I called my mom tonight and cried at the end and she didn’t even acknowledge it.

My mother. Who raised me. Did not seem to notice that my voice was shaking. She asked if I was still on with her when I was silent for a couple of extra seconds. But she didn’t realize what was wrong. Neither did my dad when I talked to him last week.

Either I’m good at hiding it, or everyone around me is just oblivious.

I’m getting tired of it. =\

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